MGordon_MD
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Jan 23, 2007, 10:08 AM
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By Dr. Michael Gordon
Within one day, I had the same conversation with three daughters – one from one family and two from another: part of my message was, “Sometimes you can’t plan because the person you are planning for doesn’t want any part of it.”
The first time was in a phone call from the wife of a colleague. She was told by a health-care professional attending to her mother – who was slightly cognitively impaired but still managing in the community with help – that there is really no planning the daughter can undertake because her mother is adamant about not leaving her home.
The daughter said, “There must be something I can do right now, even if my mother absolutely refuses anything I offer her. She understands up to a point but is so stubborn that I just can’t move forward. I am very frustrated – I feel I should do something, to plan but do not know exactly for what.”
In the second situation, two daughters visited my office with their father, who had many medical complaints, all of which could be helped with some beneficial intervention. However, as the possibilities were being discussed, including the issue of some depressive symptoms, one of the daughters said, “It’s because of the situation at home. My mother is so stubborn and makes things very hard for my father. She refuses any help in the house and still expects him, at 92 and not as strong as he used to be, to take care of everything.”
The daughters acknowledged that because their mother refused outside help, they were doing many regular tasks with their parents, including bill paying and household upkeep, in rotation with another sister and brother who shared in chores.
“It works, but it is exhausting and we see the frustration on my father’s face every time we try to provide some sort of help and she rejects it. Her memory is poor, so sometimes the same issues come up repeatedly. She refuses to see doctors, so we cannot even find out if some medication might help, and she not only fails to take her pills but keeps telling my father he should stop taking his as well.”
Such stories are not unusual, and for caring children, it can be an awful dilemma – trying to figure out what to do while respecting their parent’s wishes, even if they seem irrational. The problem is that even if one could legally remove the decision-making capacity from the parent as a result of mental incapacity, very few children are willing to “force” the parent into doing something he or she vehemently opposes.
Yet, even though many elderly individuals refuse to move to a long-term care facility, many do get moved against what appears to be their wishes and accommodate rather well and quickly, despite their initial opposition.
However, sometimes the children must accept that they cannot force the situation but should keep trying whatever they can think of to cajole, induce or convince their parent to try something different. At times, the children just have to wait things out until literally “something” happens that causes a crisis that requires intervention. From there, they can move things forward. The important thing is to recognize that one cannot feel guilty about the way it all worked out.
As for the daughter who “wants to do something,” I suggested she could explore long-term care facilities so that if and when the time comes, she knows what is available and what might be the best move, without having to explore this option under duress. It is most important to remember that one can only do what can be done and it is the caring that matters, even when the doing doesn’t go exactly as one might want.
This article originally appeared in The Canadian Jewish News.
Dr. Michael Gordon, is vice-president of medical services at Baycrest in Toronto, Canada, and co-author with Bart Mindszenthy of Parenting Your Parents.
Parenting Your Parents is available in bookstores and online at: Indigo-Chapters, Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
For bulk orders email info@dundurn.com. Call: 416-214-5544 or Fax: 416-214-5556
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(This post was edited by MGordon_MD on Sep 24, 2007, 1:35 PM)
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