MGordon_MD
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Oct 6, 2006, 9:02 AM
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By Dr. MICHAEL GORDON
I was speaking at a large Canadian multi-national company for one of many presentations that have resulted from the publication of my book Parenting your Parents. The audience consisted of 15 female mostly middle aged employees.
As the presentation progressed it was clear from the audience reaction that many of the topics resonated strongly among them. The topics of getting a proper geriatric assessment, and the issue of guilt shared between parents and their children, were clearly of great concern. The audience acknowledged that feelings of guilt were quite pervasive among them. There seemed to be a challenge in what to do with guilt feelings, whether they promoted or interfered with the relationship with the aging parent, or ultimately resulted in better care despite the uneasy feelings related to this deep-seated emotion.
A member of the audience, an only child, recounted a recent experience facing the challenge of arranging for a proper in-home geriatric assessment in the face of objections by her parents, who lived quite far from where she lived and worked. What drove her determination to get the assessment was the fact that she could not provide the kind of care that she believed her parents needed, both living with difficulty in their home. She lived more than an hour’s drive from their home. She spoke about her feelings of extreme guilt that she had chosen to work in a place far away, for good career and personal family reasons, even though she knew it could present difficulties at a future time with her parents.
Now the future was at hand and she was racked by the guilt of not fulfilling her duties as a loving daughter even though she recognized that her parents felt a need for independence and privacy. Because of these feelings they had previously rejected any in-home geriatric assessment and expressed strongly that, “it was not necessary” and that, “they were fine.”
Then came the mother’s fall with a resultant fractured wrist- the impact was substantial. She needed help in dressing, toileting and bathing. Her husband realized that he could not attend to her needs, especially the ones that normally required substantial physical effort and a level of personal and private matters (such as toileting). Fortunately, on relatively short notice, the local Community Care Access Centre (CCAC) was able to provide some in-home assistance, and that, combined with some private daily care helped the couple cope during an eight week period before regaining independence. But the involvement of the CCAC allowed the daughter to arrange for a geriatric assessment that now was welcomed by her parents.
The daughter recounted what a beneficial impact the assessment had, not only on home safety changes, but also on the structure of some daily tasks, such as shopping and cooking. Most important, after the interaction and changes were being implemented, the father acknowledged to his daughter that the input from the “team”, especially the assessment nurse, was “really good”. He went on to welcome future suggestions and care plans that he now understood would enhance their safety and their ability to remain in their home.
The daughter acknowledged that is was a long struggle, but now that it was implemented, it partially assuaged the guilt that she felt so deeply when trying to help her parents.
Guilt had led to a positive result, which is the most favorable outcome of that powerful emotion.
Dr. Michael Gordon, is vice-president of medical services at Baycrest in Toronto, Canada, and co-author with Bart Mindszenthy of Parenting Your Parents.
Parenting Your Parents is available in bookstores and online at: Indigo-Chapters, Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
For bulk orders email info@dundurn.com. Call: 416-214-5544 or Fax: 416-214-5556
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(This post was edited by MGordon_MD on Sep 24, 2007, 1:33 PM)
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