MGordon_MD
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Sep 14, 2006, 10:37 AM
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By Dr. Michael Gordon
Sam was not happy. He was in the office with his two children to review his Parkinson’s disease and angina. He had made the appointment to assess the results of modified treatments for both conditions. He had less chest pain and was walking better, and everyone should have been happy.
However, during the conversation, the name Sophie came up, and from the children’s facial expression and the pain in Sam’s voice, it was clear that something was wrong.
Sam had wanted Sophie, his “girlfriend,” to attend the appointment, because they spent most of their time together, even though they each had their own apartment.
He told me – and he was clearly also trying to impress his children: “We really like each other, and for me it is like being born again . . . but my kids are not happy. They don’t think she is refined enough, not like their mother, my late wife, who I loved very much.”
I could see from the children’s expressions that this was a source of consternation. I told them I could not become a family counselor, but could perhaps suggest that they get help from a third party, such as a social worker. I told them I could arrange such a visit and they agreed to get back to me.
Late-life romance can be very complicated for everyone involved, including the couple who may be charting waters they thought they would never be interested in or able to navigate again.
For children, there may be many personal conflicts to contend with, including personal, familial and financial issues. Sometimes the children may sense something in the relationship that concerns them, and they react in an attempt to protect their beloved parent. Sometimes they react for what would have to be interpreted as selfish reasons or the inability to appreciate the fact that their parent may want and need to engage in a romantic relationship.
It has been well established that an older person may seek, experience, enjoy and benefit from romantic relationships. Yet, it is understandable that children may have difficulty coming to terms with a new person in their family who may interfere with their relationship with their parent.
The challenge for children is to remember that, just as they, in their lives, pursued their romantic relationships, at times without the full agreement of their parents or siblings, their parent has no less a right to do so for him or herself. If not handled well, opposition to a parent’s romantic pursuit can lead to terrible alienation of the family in the future, the last thing a loving family would want.
If there are indeed indications that the object of their parent’s romantic desire has some ulterior motive that the children are aware of, it behooves them to let their parent know in as non-confrontational a manner as possible and, if deemed necessary, find ways to protect the parent or at least the parent’s assets, should the worst fears prove to be real.
If, on the other hand – and this is the more common scenario – the relationship is the foundation for a loving expansion and enhancement of their parent’s life, then the children should be pleased that such good fortune has befallen their beloved parent. Loneliness is terrible, and even the most caring children cannot make up for the absence of an emotional and physical soul mate, one with whom important personal and intimate experiences can be shared.
The challenge for children is to acknowledge and support the efforts and desires of their parents to seek and enjoy, if they so wish, a romantic extension of their lives. They deserve it.
This article was originally published in The Canadian Jewish News
Dr. Michael Gordon, is vice-president of medical services at Baycrest in Toronto, Canada, and co-author with Bart Mindszenthy of Parenting Your Parents.
Parenting Your Parents is available in bookstores and online at: Indigo-Chapters, Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
For bulk orders email info@dundurn.com. Call: 416-214-5544 or Fax: 416-214-5556
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(This post was edited by MGordon_MD on Sep 24, 2007, 1:39 PM)
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